SIZES is a weekly NBA comedy blog that reads like you just turned on a five-channel hoops broadcast and started flipping. Every week the same league hits you through five different “shows” back-to-back—loud, glossy, overconfident. It’s basketball with full broadcast conviction: small hoops, tiny plays, big feelings, huge ego.
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pOe: “Hi, welcome to Bucket’s Street.” “Today on Bucket’s Street we hang out with our friends and learn about the NBA.” “Alright, our first friend is Boltsy.”
Boltsy: “Hi.” “I’m Boltsy.” “I talk fast and I teach faster.” “Today’s letter is W.” “Make the sound.”
AUDIENCE: “W!”
Boltsy: “Again.”
AUDIENCE: “W!”
Boltsy: “Good.” “Now a word.” “The word of the week is WHISTLE.” “It means: play is over.” “It means: the rules are talking now.” “It means: a calm man becomes a lawyer.” “It means: feelings turn into paperwork.” “It means: everybody remembers the sound, not the moment.” “That was the word.”
AUDIENCE: “WHISTLE!”
pOe: “Alright.” “Thank you Boltsy.” “Now we’re gonna learn a number from Crypt Keeper Jerry.”
Crypt Keeper Jerry: “Number of the Week.”
“Well now…” “Number of the week is 2.”
“Two whistles.” “Two technicals.”
“The first one gets you fined.” “The second one gets you ejected…” “…and the fine gets bigger on the way out.”
“That’s what Jer-rah calls an escalation clause.” “Anyway… that was the number 2.”
AUDIENCE: “TWO!”
pOe: “Alright.” “Seraleia is here.” “So we’re going right into a shape.”
Seraleia: “Shape of the Week.”
“The shape of the week is a TEARDROP.” “A TEARDROP is a shot that hangs in the air like it’s thinking.” “A TEARDROP is when the sound falls and the play stops.” “A TEARDROP is when you stand up mad… and end up sitting down.” “A TEARDROP is a walk to the bench with your hands out, asking why.”
“That was the shape TEARDROP.”
AUDIENCE: “TEARDROP!”
pOe: “Alright.” “Now we’re gonna learn an emotion from Seraleia.”
Seraleia: “Emotion of the Week.”
“The emotion of the week is OFFENDED.” “OFFENDED is when the whistle feels personal.” “OFFENDED is when you stop playing, and start explaining.” “OFFENDED is when you think the ref owes you an apology… no?” “That was the emotion OFFENDED.”
AUDIENCE: “OFFENDED!”
pOe: “Alright.” “Boom is here.”
pOe: “Color.”
“The color of the week is SILVER.” “SILVER is what the whistle looks like right before it ruins your afternoon.” “SILVER is the little flash on the ref’s chest that says: ‘This is official now.’”
[Boom’s chest shifts to SILVER. Boom holds it.]
AUDIENCE: “SILVER!”
pOe: “Sound.”
“This week’s sound of the week is…” “…that little—”
“…WHI—”
[BOOM CANNON BLAST.]
AUDIENCE: “BOOM!”
pOe: “Alright.” “Next up: Friend of the Week.” Sir Finesse: “Ladies, gentlemen, and degenerates.” “Sir Finesse of the High Score has entered the gym.” “Friend of the Week is the REF.” “The REF is your best friend.” “Because when the REF thinks you breathed on somebody… WHISTLE.” “Hand check? WHISTLE.” “Clean block? WHISTLE.” “Ball don’t lie? The REF still blows.” “The REF is your best friend because he sails every game with a crooked compass.” “Blows into the wind, then swears it was the map.”
AUDIENCE: “REF!”
pOe: “Alright.” “Lesson of the Week is last.” “And The Kid read the comments… so we don’t have to.” “Everybody act normal.”
The Kid: “Lesson of the Week.” “Alright—here’s what I’m hearing.” “The league is addicted to the whistle.” “And w isn’t ‘win’ to half these dudes anymore—w is ‘watch me.’”
“Something small happens, somebody gets offended, then they start looking for the ref like it’s customer service.” “And once the silver shows up, your feelings get stamped official whether they’re real or not.” “Then it turns into 2, and that’s not ‘fair’—that’s the ref saying: ‘I’m ending the scene.’”
“And the real disrespect is quiet.” “It’s a teardrop. It’s a pause. It’s a look.” “Then everybody starts chasing the boom moment so the clip can justify the whistle.”
“So yeah—Lesson of the Week:” “If you’re chasing the whistle, you’re not chasing the win.”
“This is The Kid, Halfbak3d, proudly supported by the Keep It Basketball Foundation.”
pOe: “And that was the end of Bucket’s Street, friends. We learned absolutely everything and nothing at the same time.”
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░▒▓░boom tchk—tchk BRRR ░▒▓░░▒▓░ boom tchk—tchk BRRR ░▒▓░ ░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ░▒▓░ssshhh tchk click ░▒▓░░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk click ░▒▓░▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ░▒░ tchk—tchk vvvt bip ░▒▓░░▒▓▓░ tchk—tchk vvvt bip ░▒▓░ ░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════ TV 55 ▐ FUNDAMENTAL HARDWOOD HABITAT ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════
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pOe:
“Welcome to Fundamental Hardwood Habitat.”
Today, we’re looking in on Chicago as they attempt the simplest thing in the world: take the ball, and turn it into a forward decision before anybody can even process what just changed.
You can feel the quiet right before it happens. Egor Demin is dribbling like the possession is routine. The ball gets just a little casual. Not “bad.” Just exposed. And Isaac Okoro is standing in the exact kind of space that only exists for a half-second—where a dribble is about to be, not where it currently is.
The hand is there on time. The steal is clean. The possession flips without drama.
BOOM!!!!!
NOW FREEZE IT!!! FREEZE IT RIGHT THERE!!! LOOK AT THIS—THIS ISN’T A SWIPE, THIS IS A READ!!! CIRCLES ON THE HANDS!!! ARROW TO THE TURN!!! NO EXTRA DRIBBLES!!! GET IT OUT!!! ADVANCE IT!!! THAT’S HOW YOU STEAL A BALL LIKE YOU MEANT TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT!!!
The pass is already gone, forward, leading, delivered like the steal only exists to unlock the next action. It hits Matas Buzelis in stride—no slowdown, no awkward gather, no wasted beat. Just runway.
pOe: And that’s the part people forget. The take is loud. The decision is the proof. You don’t get credit for the steal if you treat it like a souvenir.
Buzelis takes two steps into open space like the rim is going to cooperate out of respect. The gather gets ambitious. The timing gets a little loose. The ball comes off his body just enough to matter.
Poe: The fundamental is still the fundamental. Okoro did the job twice—first with the hand, then with the pass.
Buzelis rises anyway, because that’s what open space does to a young brain. It tells you to turn it into punctuation.
pOe: “And that’s the habitat. The hardwood returns to stillness.”
It doesn’t. The ball hits iron and snaps back out, loud and avoidable, the hardwood finishing the play on screen like a correction you can hear.
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════════════════════════════════
TV 10 ▐ BIG FEELINGS SHOWDOWN
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pOe: Welcome to Big Feelings: The Showdown. The weekly NBA reality show. Thirty teams. One league. No excuses.
pOe: Some weeks are loud because the league is good. This week is loud because the league is embarrassed. Everybody wants credit, everybody wants immunity, and everybody is one bad quarter away from becoming content. The only thing stable right now is arrogance. Everything else is sliding.
════════════════════════════════ CAST BOARD ════════════════════════════════
FAN FAVORITE Oklahoma City Thunder, Detroit Pistons, Cleveland Cavaliers, New York Knicks, Orlando Magic
VILLAIN Miami Heat, Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, Golden State Warriors, Phoenix Suns
FRAUD Brooklyn Nets, New Orleans Pelicans, Sacramento Kings, Chicago Bulls, Toronto Raptors
UNDERDOG Indiana Pacers, Atlanta Hawks, Houston Rockets, Portland Trail Blazers, San Antonio Spurs
CHAOS Dallas Mavericks, Memphis Grizzlies, Los Angeles Clippers, Minnesota Timberwolves, Philadelphia 76ers
WASHED / FALLEN STAR Milwaukee Bucks, Denver Nuggets, Golden State Warriors, Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers
GLOW-UP Detroit Pistons, Oklahoma City Thunder, Cleveland Cavaliers, Orlando Magic, Houston Rockets
WILDCARD Washington Wizards, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Charlotte Hornets
pOe: Alright. Five spotlights — because the arena does not have time for everybody’s feelings.
pOe: New York Knicks. When a room gets quiet like that, it’s not “defense.” It’s a group decision. The Knicks don’t beat the Nets. They turn the Nets into a cautionary poster.
pOe: Brooklyn Nets. You can lose a game. You can’t lose your face. This is the kind of night that follows you into other cities.
pOe: Detroit Pistons. Detroit plays like they’ve been disrespected for so long they don’t remember what “normal” feels like. And now everyone else has to act like that’s not terrifying.
pOe: Oklahoma City Thunder. Quiet teams are always the scariest teams. They don’t posture. They just take what you love.
pOe: Washington Wizards. Washington is building something in public with the lights on. That means it’s ugly on purpose — and they’re still asking you to watch anyway.
════════════════════════════════ THIS WEEK IN BIG FEELINGS: THE SHOWDOWN ARENA ════════════════════════════════
pOe: The arena is live.
pOe: Encounter 1 — The Knicks and the Nets. The Knicks don’t win. They erase. Madison Square Garden turns into a courtroom and Brooklyn has no lawyer.
pOe: Encounter 2 — Detroit and New Orleans. Detroit walks into the Pelicans’ house like the lease is in Detroit’s name. New Orleans keeps trying to look unbothered while the scoreboard keeps getting louder.
pOe: Encounter 3 — Oklahoma City and Milwaukee. The Thunder show up with a calm face and a sharp blade described as “40.” Milwaukee spends the night realizing effort is not the same thing as control.
pOe: Encounter 4 — Cleveland and Charlotte. This one feels like a hallway fight — no witnesses, no romance, just survival. Charlotte keeps reaching for dignity and coming back with an empty hand.
pOe: Encounter 5 — Boston and Indiana. Boston handles business like it’s annoyed the game even existed. Indiana looks like a team trying to remember what confidence sounded like.
pOe: Encounter 6 — Toronto and Sacramento. The Raptors hit the Kings with that specific kind of modern disrespect: balanced scoring. Sacramento spends the night looking around for the part where the script flips in their favor. It never does.
pOe: Alright. Weekly challenge. Right now.
════════════════════════════════ WEEKLY CHALLENGE ════════════════════════════════
pOe: Tonight’s challenge is simple: Public Humiliation Endurance. Who can do something so extreme the arena has to accept it as truth.
pOe: Public Immunity goes to the New York Knicks. Say what you want — you can’t send home a team that just turned a rival into a missing person report.
pOe: That’s not a win. That’s a statement. That’s the kind of night where the league pretends it didn’t see it, but everybody saw it. Immunity is absolute. And now the rest of you have to sit in the same room with that energy.
════════════════════════════════ INSIDE INFO (THE KID) ════════════════════════════════
The Kid: I saw people saying Washington did the funniest thing possible and called it “a plan.” Like you can just trade for a voice and the locker room automatically becomes a religion.
The Kid: There was a clip going around of Alex Sarr looking like he’s already done being patient. People were asking if he’s the rebuild or if he’s the part that survives the rebuild.
The Kid: Everyone on the internet thinks Brooklyn is in the “mute the group chat” phase. Like you don’t even argue. You just leave.
The Kid: I read online that Sacramento is the only team that can make “balanced scoring against you” feel like a personal insult. And somehow they keep doing it.
The Kid: This is The Kid, Halfbak3d, proudly supported by the National Association of Unpaid Team Therapists Foundation.
════════════════════════════════ CAST BOARD #2 (REPOSTURE) ════════════════════════════════
pOe: Posture shifts only.
pOe: Brooklyn Nets → FRAUD (public collapse on a rivalry stage) New Orleans Pelicans → FRAUD (unbothered face, bothered reality) Milwaukee Bucks → WASHED / FALLEN STAR (effort showing, control missing) Sacramento Kings → FRAUD (no flip, no rescue, just exposed) Detroit Pistons → GLOW-UP (they don’t ask permission anymore) Oklahoma City Thunder → FAN FAVORITE (quiet dominance reads like inevitability) Washington Wizards → WILDCARD (new identity, zero patience) Charlotte Hornets → CHAOS (survival games, no dignity bonus)
pOe: The arena did what it does. And now it’s time.
════════════════════════════════ ELIMINATION CEREMONY ════════════════════════════════
pOe: Four teams are gone tonight. No speeches. No dignity parade. This is posture being punished.
pOe: Brooklyn Nets — eliminated. FRAUD isn’t about losing. It’s about being seen. Brooklyn got seen, and the whole room looked away.
pOe: New Orleans Pelicans — eliminated. FRAUD with good branding is still FRAUD. The face stayed calm while the identity slid off the body.
pOe: Sacramento Kings — eliminated. FRAUD that keeps waiting for the “turn” becomes a lesson. The arena doesn’t wait with you.
pOe: Charlotte Hornets — eliminated. CHAOS is cute until it’s all you have. Charlotte didn’t lose a game — they lost the right to be taken seriously in public.
════════════════════════════════ OUTRO ════════════════════════════════
pOe: That’s it. Four teams gone. No appeals. No “context.”
pOe: Knicks have immunity — so don’t even try to talk to me about “but what about—” The arena watched you. The arena voted.
pOe: And for everyone still here: If you’re safe, act like it. If you’re watched, stop performing confidence and start collecting proof. If you’re in danger, don’t look for meaning. Look for a stop.
pOe: Next week the board gets meaner, the feelings get louder, and somebody you swear is “too important” is going to find out the arena doesn’t care.
pOe: This has been Big Feelings: The Showdown. Thirty teams. One league. No excuses.
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░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk—tchk ░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░ ░▒▓░▒▓░ vvvt bip tchk click ░▒▓ ░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
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░▒▓░ ░▒▓░▒▓░ boom tchkBRRR░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░ ▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════ TV 27 ▐ HOUSE OF MYTHS ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════
pOe: I’m gonna tell you what happened, and I need you to understand up front: the NBA did not authorize this. This was not on the schedule. This wasn’t “part of the plan.” This was a clerical error that turned into a hostage situation.
It started the way all disasters start—quietly, with the broadcast acting confident for no reason. You know that vibe where the TV truck is like, “Great night for basketball, folks,” and the universe is like, “Oh you think so?” Then Brice Sensabaugh checks in and the entire production immediately develops allergies.
The lower-third tried to introduce him and physically recoiled. It pops up as “BRI—” and vanishes. Comes back as “SENS—” and the font starts sweating. By the third possession it doesn’t even attempt it anymore—just throws up something cowardly like “NEW GUY” or “#28??” like the broadcast is filing a missing person report in real time.
And the announcers do that thing where they talk slower because they think time will solve their problem. “This… young… man… is… really… making… an impact…” Yeah. So is carbon monoxide. Nobody has the right information, but everybody has tone. The director starts cutting to random people like the camera can identify him through vibes. At one point I swear they zoomed in on a fan eating nachos like, “Could that be him? He’s wearing a hoodie. That’s suspicious.”
Then he hits a couple more and the bench instantly becomes a religion. Not superstition—religion. The bench is where you go to be normal. Towels. Water. Serious nodding. Clipboard lies. But once the “NEW GUY” starts scoring, the bench stops being furniture and becomes a cult with no leader, just rules you invent while panicking.
And the sacred object appears: the chair. His chair. The chair he stood up from. Nobody will sit in it. Nobody will touch it. It becomes protected land. A trainer tries to slide it back like an inch—just an inch—and the whole bench reacts like he just reached into a running garbage disposal. Guys are grabbing sleeves like, “NO. NO MOVEMENTS. WE ARE NOT CHANGING THE AIR IN HERE.” A towel drops near it and everybody freezes like the towel is evidence.
They don’t just avoid the chair—they start managing it like it’s hazardous material. Somebody drapes a towel over it like they’re putting a sheet over a haunted mirror. Another guy stands in front of it like a bouncer outside a nightclub called “HOT HAND,” arms crossed, scanning the arena for anyone who might disrespect the sacred seat. One assistant coach walks too close and the bench hisses at him like cats. Like, “Back up. You don’t have clearance.”
Now the bench is setting rules out loud, like this is a heist movie and they’re improvising the plan while the cops are already inside. No high-fives. No handshakes. No “good shot.” Don’t say his name. Don’t look directly at him too long. Celebrate from a safe distance. Guys are clapping from six feet away like they’re applauding a bomb technician. One dude tries to dap him up and gets gently redirected like a toddler near an outlet: “No no no—later. After the moon changes.”
Meanwhile the broadcast is still behind, so now we have two systems failing at once: the TV truck is malfunctioning, and the bench is running a full belief economy. The graphic finally commits to his name, and then spells it differently the next possession like the broadcast is gaslighting itself. The announcer says “Sensabaugh” with the confidence of a man who’s 40% sure and 60% praying.
Then the credit-grabbing begins—which is how you know it’s officially out of control. The assistant coach gets that proud-dad posture like he discovered him in a cornfield. A vet starts nodding like he personally taught him how to be tall. The trainer is staring at the medical chart like, “Was this listed under allergies? Did we miss this? Is this a side effect of hydration?” The mascot is bouncing like it’s his accomplishment. The PA announcer starts saying the name louder and louder like volume can reverse embarrassment.
And the refs—man. The refs start looking at him like adults catching a kid being too quiet. That suspicious squint. That “what are you doing in there” face. They keep glancing at the scorer’s table like the points might be counterfeit. Like any second an accountant in a suit is gonna walk out with a clipboard and go, “Sorry folks, those last nine baskets were not pre-approved. Please return them to the league office.”
That’s the pivot. That’s the moment the game stops being played and becomes something that’s happening to everyone. The broadcast can’t catch up, the bench is running rituals, the crowd is forming opinions they cannot defend, and the only person acting normal is Sensabaugh—like this is what he does, and everyone else just accidentally wandered into his night.
Bench forward goes 21 points in the 1st quarter (most by a reserve in at least 29 years) and it turns into a career-high 43 kind of night.
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░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk—tchk ░▒▓░ click ▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ░▒▓░ khhhh vvvt tchk ░▒▓░ click ░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░ ░▒▓░ ssshhh bip tchk—tchk ░▒▓░ click ▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓ ░▒▓░ boom BRRR tchk ░▒▓░ click ░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░ ░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓
══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════ TV 36 ▐ H3TV: M1xT4P3 ══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════
DJ Echo: “H3TV… M1xT4P3…” DJ Echo: “Yeah… yeah…” DJ Echo: “pOe.” DJ Echo: “tchk—tchk… tchk—tchk…”
pOe: “W in the air, WHISTLE in the mouth, rules start talkin’ like attorneys.” DJ Echo: “Yeah…” pOe: “Two techs in the pocket, silver on the chest, everybody actin’ like they earned it.” DJ Echo: “tchk—tchk…” pOe: “Teardrop hangin’ like a thought, offended in the face, hands out like, ‘confirm it.’” pOe: “Best friend REF, crooked compass—blowin’ in the wind, still call it perfect.”
pOe: “Steal clean, decision cleaner—take it then advance it, don’t treat it like a souvenir.” DJ Echo: “Uh-huh…” pOe: “BOOM in the habitat, freeze-frame faith, circles on the hands, it’s a career.” DJ Echo: “Freeze…” pOe: “Young brain see runway, iron say ‘no,’ loud lesson when the rim don’t volunteer.” pOe: “Proof don’t live in the take, it live in the next move—everybody hear it.”
pOe: “Arena get quiet when the room decide—immunity ain’t cute when it’s absolute.” DJ Echo: “Cold…” pOe: “Knicks made a rival disappear, courtroom lights on, Brooklyn had no suit.” DJ Echo: “No suit…” pOe: “Names got crossed, no speeches, no hugs—posture punished, that’s the route.” pOe: “Fraud don’t mean you lost—fraud mean you got seen, and the whole place looked away from you.”
pOe: “Truck tried to spell it, bench turned sacred, chair got guarded like evidence.” DJ Echo: “Yeah…” pOe: “Twenty-one in the first, whole thing escalated, scoreboard felt irrelevant.” DJ Echo: “Mm…” pOe: “They prayed from a distance, clapped like contact could ruin the benefit…” pOe: “They had to Google my name mid-game.”
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