SIZES is a weekly NBA comedy blog that reads like you just turned on a five-channel hoops broadcast and started flipping. Every week the same league hits you through five different “shows” back-to-back—loud, glossy, overconfident. It’s basketball with full broadcast conviction: small hoops, tiny plays, big feelings, huge ego.
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TV 03 ▐ BUCKET’S STREET
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pOe: Hi, welcome to Bucket’s Street. Today on Bucket’s Street we hang out with our friends and learn about the NBA. First up is Boltsy. It’s time for the Letter of the Week.
Boltsy: Today’s letter is V. (throws up the peace sign two inches from pOe’s nose) They call this peace. The league calls it deuces. Same smile. Different city. Question: if they say it’s business… why does it always feel personal? Can you say the letter V?
Audiance: V
Boltsy: That’s right. V. Now keep that same tone when your favorite player’s tweet says grateful for the opportunity.
pOe: Now Boltsy has the Word of the Week.
Boltsy: Word of the Week is VALUE. (takes a sticky note that says VALUE and slaps it on pOe’s chest like a price tag) That’s how they see you. Not a name. A label. Can you say VALUE?
Audiance: VALUE
Boltsy: Perfect. Remember: they don’t raise VALUE to keep you. They raise it to move you.
pOe: Now we go find Crypt Keeper Jerry. He has the Number of the Week.
Crypt Keeper Jerry: Well now… Jer-rah is pleased to report. Number of the Week is 3. Not 3 points. Not 3 rebounds. 3 p.m. That is the hour the suits call a boundary and the players call a betrayal. Observe the evidence, directly, with your own little eyes.
That countdown is a ceremony. It don’t care who you are. At 2:59 you got a role. At 3:01 you got a new zip code. Can you say 3?
Audiance: 3
pOe: Now Seraleia has the Emotion of the Week. Try not to make eye contact.
Seraleia: Emotion of the Week is DISRESPECTED. Not mad. Not sad. DISRESPECTED. That’s the feeling when your name gets replaced by a comma. Look. Right there.
That is a human being turned into extras. They dress it up like math so you don’t notice the insult. And the worst part is everybody nods like it makes sense. Can you say DISRESPECTED?
Audiance: DISRESPECTED
pOe: Good. Same street, same week. Now Seraleia has the Shape of the Week.
Seraleia: Shape of the Week is TRIANGLE. Three teams. One deal. Nobody admits who got dumped. This week the league drew triangles like it was arts and crafts. Four of them in this Jan 29 to Feb 5 window. A triangle is what they use when the truth needs witnesses. Because if one team says it, it looks cruel. If three teams say it, it looks normal. Can you say TRIANGLE?
Audiance: TRIANGLE
pOe: Color of the Week is GREEN.
[Booms chest starts glowing GREEN. Boom holds the color.]
Green is the promise. Green is the excuse. Green is what they point at when you ask why. Green is the color of Booms chest. Can you say GREEN?
Audiance: GREEN!
pOe: Okay. Now we have the color… now we need the sound. Sound of the Week. This weeks sound of the week is—
[BOOM CANNON BLAST. The held GREEN tints the moment.]
Audiance: BOOM! AUDIANCE ECHO: boom… boom… boom…
pOe: Thats a healthy noise. Now wipe your ears. Boom gave you the sound, now we are giving you a friend. Friend of the Week.
pOe: Friend of the Week. Sir Finesse, who is our friend.
Sir Finesse: Friend of the Week is TYUS JONES. Because this week the league looked at a man and said cash considerations. That is not a compliment. That is a price tag. This is what GREEN looks like when it wins. Observe.
They moved him like pocket change and called it normal. In this street, we call that DISRESPECT. Can you say TYUS JONES.
Audiance: TYUS JONES!
pOe: Alright, thats our friend, we’re standing on it. Now The Kid is here with the Lesson of the Week, and if you’re expecting something wholesome, remember what street you’re on.
The Kid: Lesson of the Week is YOU ARE WHAT THEY MOVE YOU FOR. Look.
I saw online that Dallas sent Anthony Davis, Jaden Hardy, DAngelo Russell, and Dante Exum to Washington, and they got Khris Middleton, AJ Johnson, Malaki Branham, and Marvin Bagley back.
So quick question, which side is the headline and which side is the receipt. Okay. And when they say its business, why does it still read like goodbye. Also, if a peace sign means deuces, why do they keep smiling in the picture. Can you say YOU ARE WHAT THEY MOVE YOU FOR.
Audiance: YOU ARE WHAT THEY MOVE YOU FOR
The Kid: This is The Kid, Halfbak3d, sponsored by We Told You It Was Business, powered by Two Second Round Picks and a Lie.
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Welcome to Fundamental Hardwood Habitat.
San Antonio. Frost Bank Center. ESPN. Second quarter. 8:53. Spurs 50, Thunder 30. A scoreboard that turns the building into a low, confident hum.
Transition begins and the court changes species. The hardwood gets louder. One dribble pops clean. Shoes squeal in short bursts. Blue jerseys retreat in half-turns, pointing and counting while still running. Black jerseys flow forward into space that exists for about three seconds. Everything is moving at once.
And in the middle of it, the tallest runner on the screen carries the ball up the floor like the noise is optional. Long stride. Low dribble. Calm face. Victor Wembanyama.
This is the whisper part… stay close.
Watch the Thunder defender in blue step up like he can end the entire break by himself. Square chest. Hands ready. Feet trying to be brave. He’s waiting for something normal.
Now watch what Wembanyama does with time. Not speed. Time.
He keeps his pace smooth enough to make the defender feel early. The ball stays visible for just long enough to invite the defender’s attention… and then the ball disappears behind the body.
The defender’s feet do that tiny restart. That little stutter that says I thought I had this.
And in transition, that restart is everything.
LOOK!!!!!
Freeze it.
Right there. Defender is squared up like this is a regular contest. He thinks he’s arrived on time.
Roll it. Stop.
See the feet. That little hesitation. That’s the defender losing the timeline. Circle that. That’s the whole possession leaking out of him.
Roll it. Stop.
Ball goes around the back. But watch the defender’s eyes—he’s still guarding the front pocket. He’s defending the place the ball used to be.
Roll it. Stop.
Now the tiny hold after the wrap. That hesitation is the cruelty. It lets the defender fully commit to being wrong with his whole body. Hips turn. Reach comes late. He’s sliding at air.
Roll it.
He’s past him. Clean. Runway. The break is won. Now it’s the easy part.
HARDWOOD (still visible):
Wembanyama is free now. One defender behind, one defender watching, and the rim is waiting like a formality.
STUDIO (close, calm):
That’s the fundamental. Around-the-back is the headline, but the hesitation is the weapon. It creates the restart. And once the feet restart, the rep is over.
HARDWOOD (still visible):
He gathers for the one-hand finish. Clean. Simple. The kind that usually ends the clip right here.
STUDIO (already closing, same calm):
And that’s the habitat. The hardwood returns to stillness.
HARDWOOD (true closer):
The one-hand finish hits the back iron and kicks out. The simplest part refuses to cooperate. Bodies land. The lane clears. The building makes a different noise. The break ends without the ending it asked for.
Immediate flip. No rescue line. No acknowledgment.
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TV 10 ▐ BIG FEELINGS: THE SHOWDOWN
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pOe:
“Welcome to Big Feelings: The Showdown.
The weekly NBA reality show.
Thirty teams. One league. No excuses.”
OPENING MONOLOGUE (pOe)
Last week, two teams hit the trap door and the room got cleaner.
This week? The trade deadline kicked the door in and started re-labeling people mid‑sentence.
Because that’s what the deadline really is: identity theft in broad daylight.
You don’t “add depth.”
You tell the world who you think you are.
And the arena?
The arena remembers what you said.
CAST BOARD (Snapshot)
FAN FAVORITE
New York Knicks
Oklahoma City Thunder
Detroit Pistons
Orlando Magic
VILLAIN
Boston Celtics
Cleveland Cavaliers
Golden State Warriors
FRAUD
Phoenix Suns
Miami Heat
Dallas Mavericks
UNDERDOG
Washington Wizards
Indiana Pacers
Houston Rockets
CHAOS
Los Angeles Clippers
Atlanta Hawks
Memphis Grizzlies
WASHED / FALLEN STAR
Los Angeles Lakers
Milwaukee Bucks
GLOW‑UP
Minnesota Timberwolves
Denver Nuggets
San Antonio Spurs
WILDCARD
Philadelphia 76ers
Utah Jazz
Portland Trail Blazers
pOe:
Alright. Five spotlights — because the arena does not have time for everybody’s feelings.
SPOTLIGHT 1 — CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
Cleveland walked into the deadline like a villain with a blueprint.
No asking. No begging. No “give it time.”
They came for consequences.
SPOTLIGHT 2 — NEW YORK KNICKS
New York is doing that thing where they suffer loudly… and then win anyway.
They look allergic to calm.
Perfect — the arena is built on allergy season.
SPOTLIGHT 3 — GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Golden State spent the week in a wind tunnel.
Injuries. Trades. Vibes rearranged.
And they still showed up like the fourth quarter owes them rent.
SPOTLIGHT 4 — WASHINGTON WIZARDS
Washington is short‑handed, loud‑handed, and disrespectful‑handed.
Not enough bodies.
Too much confidence.
That’s how problems start.
SPOTLIGHT 5 — LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
The Clippers change the locks while you’re still inside the house.
New keys. New lead actor.
Same weird silence in the hallway.
And the arena loves silence — right before something breaks.
THIS WEEK IN BIG FEELINGS: THE SHOWDOWN ARENA
pOe:
The arena is live.
ENCOUNTER 1 — THE DEADLINE (THE LEAGUE REARRANGES ITSELF)
Rumors screaming. Phones smoking.
A team swears it’s “fine.”
Another team buys a whole new personality.
The deadline didn’t fix anybody.
It revealed them.
ENCOUNTER 2 — KNICKS vs NUGGETS (DOUBLE OVERTIME, ZERO PEACE)
Two overtimes because nobody wanted to blink first.
Brunson put a verdict on the table.
Jokic stacked numbers like he was bored.
And New York walked out looking exactly like itself:
exhausted… and still standing.
ENCOUNTER 3 — CAVALIERS vs CLIPPERS (NEW ERA, SAME VIOLENCE)
Cleveland shows up like the ink is still wet and it doesn’t matter.
The room belongs to them.
The Clippers look around like: “Wait… is this still our show?”
No.
Not tonight.
ENCOUNTER 4 — WARRIORS vs SUNS (14 DOWN, THEN A 25–7 RUN)
Golden State goes down 14 in the fourth and treats it like a suggestion.
Role players turn into main characters.
Phoenix watches a lead evaporate in front of witnesses.
ENCOUNTER 5 — WIZARDS vs PISTONS (SHORT‑HANDED, STILL DISRESPECTFUL)
Washington has fewer bodies and somehow more nerve.
An early lead.
Eight guys contributing.
Detroit keeps trying to make it “serious.”
The Wizards keep making it personal.
ENCOUNTER 6 — HAWKS vs JAZZ (1.3 SECONDS OF PAIN)
A tying three.
A crowd believing.
And then — 1.3 seconds left — the winner drops.
That’s not clutch.
That’s theft with a receipt.
pOe:
Alright. Enough evidence.
Time for the weekly challenge.
WEEKLY CHALLENGE (Survivor‑style)
CHALLENGE NAME:
DEADLINE DAY: HOLD YOUR FACE
The league is under construction and the cameras are close.
The test is simple:
who stayed themselves while everything changed?
PUBLIC IMMUNITY WINNER:
NEW YORK KNICKS
pOe:
New York.
Congratulations.
You are safe tonight.
You can breathe.
You can blink.
You can even smile if you remember how.
Because everybody else?
Everybody else is still getting their name tags ripped off.
INSIDE INFO (The Kid)
The Kid:
Knicks got deeper and somehow got meaner.
That’s dangerous.
Warriors are winning games that look illegal on paper.
That’s veteran nonsense.
Wizards are short‑handed and still disrespectful.
That’s either a glow‑up… or a crime spree.
Clippers are one more weird week away from group‑chat energy.
And the Suns?
The Suns got that “we’re fine” voice.
You know the one.
The deadline told you the truth:
Some teams bought tools.
Some teams bought excuses.
pOe:
Alright.
Posture update.
CAST BOARD (Reposture — changes only)
KNICKS → FAN FAVORITE (hardened)
War doesn’t make them kinder. It makes them louder.
CAVALIERS → VILLAIN (confirmed)
They didn’t survive the week.
They authored it.
CLIPPERS → CHAOS (worsened)
New keys. Same hallway silence.
WARRIORS → VILLAIN (louder)
If you let them breathe, they write endings.
WIZARDS → UNDERDOG → WILDCARD lean
Not enough bodies.
Too much nerve.
SUNS → FRAUD (flashing red)
A fourth‑quarter lead is not a personality.
pOe:
The arena gave us new faces this week.
Now it’s going to take two.
ELIMINATION CEREMONY
(No safe roll call. Immediate.)
PHOENIX SUNS… you’re eliminated.
You had a lead.
In the fourth.
And you treated it like it was already yours.
That’s not basketball.
That’s entitlement.
The arena does not reward entitlement.
It records it.
Zooms in.
Plays it back.
UTAH JAZZ… you’re eliminated.
You gave the arena a miracle… and then you handed it right back.
Tie game, late — and you still found a way to end the week watching somebody else celebrate.
Almost isn’t proof.
Almost is just content.
HOOK / OUTRO (pOe)
That’s the week.
The deadline shook the building.
The arena stayed live.
And now the room is quieter — but it’s not safer.
Next time, the new pieces will have to play like they belong.
And the teams that stayed put?
They’ll have to prove they weren’t just scared.
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Tonight on House of Myths… one moment changes the story, becomes legend.
He didn’t find out he was traded from a GM. He found out the way modern men learn their fate—through the glow of a screen… while sitting at home in Seattle.
And then it happened again. And again.
In the Ledger Kingdom, there’s a kind of contract that isn’t a home. It’s a coin.
Non‑guaranteed. Lightweight. Easy to pass from hand to hand.
Luke Ridnour became that coin.
On June 24, 2015, Orlando sends him to Memphis.
On June 25, Memphis sends him to Charlotte— then later that same day, Charlotte sends him to Oklahoma City.
That’s not relocation. That’s circulation.
And this is where a man’s ego has to improvise a religion.
Because the first trade, you tell yourself: They wanted me. The second trade, you tell yourself: It’s business. By the third trade in two days, you start bargaining with the universe:
Surely the next stop is real. Surely the next logo means something. Surely I’m being acquired… not exchanged.
Then on June 30, Oklahoma City sends him to Toronto—trade number four.
And the myth completes itself: five teams in six days touching the same name, like it’s a hot stone no one can hold.
Later, Ridnour said the whole thing was “funny.”
That’s the only sane word for it— because if you call it what it is, you start hearing the stamp.
And after all that movement, Toronto waives him on July 9.
A week of teleportation… ending in silence.
Somewhere, a jersey printer sits idle— because the deadline doesn’t care if you ever arrived.
Alright, and that was House of Myths. We’ll see you next week.
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