Crypt Keeper Jerry — Episode One: “Now Lemme Tell Y’all Somethin’”
Jerry Jones sits in his office — what’s left of it. Walls aged like his playoff patience. Leather chairs sun-bleached into museum exhibits. The air smells like cologne, old bourbon, and long-expired dynasty confidence.
He crosses his legs, adjusts a suit so stiff it could double as stadium armor, and locks eyes with the imaginary audience.
“Now gather ‘round. Ah got a lil’ story for ya.”
A pause. That grandpa-about-to-explain-the-entire-economy pause.
“Back in ’94 — or maybe ’87 — one o’ those championship-adjacent years — ah was sittin’ right where you folks are now. And ah thought to myself… ‘Jer-rah… somethin’ special’s brewin’.’”
He nods at the window like God Himself texted him.
“Football ain’t about football. It’s about legacy. It’s about knowin’ somethin’ other folks don’t even know they don’t know yet.”
He smirks — billionaire enlightenment face. That I bought time once and sold it at a markup face.
“See, ah made a decision. Courageous decision. Changed mah life, mah name, mah destiny, mah aura.”
Long pause. The room waits. We wait. Hope trembles.
“That decision was simple.”
He leans forward. Wisdom crackling, or maybe that’s his spine.
“Ah said to myself… ‘Jer-rah, when opportunity knocks — you don’t answer the door… you buy the house.’”
He smiles. Nods. Satisfied like he just reinvented oxygen.
“And now y’all can take that however you want. That’s between you and greatness.”
He stands, wipes imaginary dust off imaginary trophies.
“Story’s over. If you don’t get it? That’s alright. Greatness don’t always translate to the casual ear.”
He pats your shoulder through the screen — motivational, confused, vaguely haunting.
“Ah’ve said enough. That oughta keep you busy.”
He nods at his reflection, pleased beyond measure.
“Mah genius speaks fer itself.”
Welcome to Crypt Keeper Jerry.
This is the first chapter of a weekly Halfbak3d ritual where Jerry Jones — or whatever immortal football spirit he’s become — shares “wisdom” from his weathered office throne.
When hope dies, Jerry talks.
