Shin Guard Chronicles is Halfbak3d Sports in its most natural habitat: the internal soccer group chat—no narrator, no recap voice, no “here’s what you missed.” Just the room. One link triggers a wild encounter, one take lands a critical hit, and suddenly everyone’s posting through Confusion status. This week’s edition is Pokémon-themed. Jump in anywhere. Keep up as best you can. Try not to faint.
#h3-sgc — simulators anonymous
@VibesOverxG: who let europe spawn legendaries on a tuesday
@PetrCechYourself: i opened the app and got a wild encounter cutscene
@HighPressMess: inter fans didn’t save before entering the cave 😭
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: inter gettin cooked by a snow team is CRAZY. league’s gone.
@Man_Myth_pOe: the north remembers and the north presses
@iamRealPirate: no fr it’s like they walked into a gym with no potions
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: they walked in with 2hp and confidence
@RealPirate: the sea was calm and then the ice took the hull
@VARtillery: “inter are top of serie a” yeah and i’m top of my group project
@ShithouseCertified: italian football got hit with a crit and blamed the controller
@Net6AndChill: i need the link. i refuse to believe this is real
@ShadowbannedAgain: —
@CantonaBelieveIt: FROM FINALISTS TO NPCS IN ONE SEASON
@PiqueABoo: 5-2 aggregate is not “upset” that’s a deletion
@KaneYouDigIt: inter got farmed for xp
@BellingHimOut: inter tried to use aura and it said “it doesn’t affect”
@MoSalahMoreGoals: bodø/glimt is a shiny with perfect ivs and you can’t catch it
@LeaveMeArseAlona: san siro turned into a freezer aisle
@ZlatanYourMom: i’m not letting a team with ø in the name do this to me
@MaradonnaKebab: the ø is the move. you just saw it.
@False9Problems: inter looked like they were buffering
@GameOfThrowIns: they got outplayed AND out-thrown. that’s not allowed
@ParkTheBusBoyz: they got out-bused by a team that takes ACTUAL buses
@RashfordAndFound: i need inter fans to post the apology notes like it’s notes app season
@Real_KrypT4Life: conspiracy: inter threw for loot crates
@AyewReady: “threw for loot crates” please go outside
@boom_ShakaLaka420: 🧊⚡️🪦😵💫
@ShadowbannedAgain: tally starts now
@ShadowbannedAgain: “DIDN’T SAVE BEFORE ENTERING THE CAVE”
@ShadowbannedAgain:
@HighPressMess
@NutmegDealer: the norwegian press is just running in ski boots
@Haven’tGotAKalou: serie a defenders hearing “rotation” and spinning in place like roombas
@MessiSituation: inter fans already tweeting “focus on the league” like that’s a heal spell
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: dont ever compare serie a to the elite four again. ever.
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: no?
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: queen don’t “no?” me right now i’m grieving
@Man_Myth_pOe: grief is a status condition. lasts 3 turns.
@PetrCechYourself: inter used “copium” and it failed
@VibesOverxG: inter fans switching to “we care about the league” posture in real time
@CrossAndInshallah: the league is a side quest if you get embarrassed like that
@BenzemaDrama: you can’t call it a farmers league when YOU’RE the crops
@ShithouseCertified: bodø glimt pulled up like “we heard y’all got rare candy”
@Blink1Eto’o: the real rare candy is your dignity. inter dropped it in the cave
@PuyolPantsDownFC: inter got hit with hail damage every minute and kept refusing to switch
@Net6AndChill: who’s the coach for glimt because he’s cooking like a villain
@RealPirate: a quiet man in the snow with a book of curses
@iamRealPirate: ok but like… how are you 5-2 down and still acting surprised
@KaneYouDigIt: because they assumed it was a tutorial battle
@MoSalahMoreGoals: europe doesn’t have tutorials. it has traps
@ShadowbannedAgain: keep it moving. next raid in madrid.
@BellingHimOut: madrid is always a dark gym with fog and a weird soundtrack
@CantonaBelieveIt: benfica away is literally a cave with no repels
@HighPressMess: that whole week was cursed
@PiqueABoo: “week” is doing a lot of work. call it what it was
@VARtillery: we’re talking about the thing or the OTHER thing
@NutmegDealer: there are like 4 “things”
@ShadowbannedAgain: —
@ZlatanYourMom: nope nope nope
@MaradonnaKebab: “all available evidence” aka 480p stadium cam and a dream
@VibesOverxG: the “mouth covered” meta needs to be patched
@ParkTheBusBoyz: that’s not a meta that’s just cowardice
@AyewReady: y’all are doing discourse like it’s a mini-game. it’s not.
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: nah it IS a mini game now. uefa turned it into a quicktime event
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: you can’t quicktime racism
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: i’m saying they’re TRYING
@Man_Myth_pOe: the ref paused the match like “hold on, cutscene”
@False9Problems: 11 minute cutscene is insane pacing
@KaneYouDigIt: imagine being benfica and your whole build is “vibes” and “aura” and then it’s this
@BenzemaDrama: “benfica build” lmfao
@RashfordAndFound: mourinho focusing on celebrations is so on brand it’s like a held item
@PetrCechYourself: held item: deflection cloak
@ShithouseCertified: passive ability: “make it about manners”
@RealPirate: jose walked into the room and the lamps went out
@iamRealPirate: someone said mbappe was ready to walk off?? that’s like… actual stakes
@VibesOverxG: yeah and then everybody pretended it’s normal to keep playing anyway
@CrossAndInshallah: because the devs never ban anybody mid-match. they just “investigate” for six months
@VARtillery: and then drop a fine that equals one shoelace
@Net6AndChill: ok i’m gonna be sick. can we go to the tutorial league for a second
@boom_ShakaLaka420: 🕯️🟥🕳️😶🌫️
@ShadowbannedAgain: say less
@ShadowbannedAgain: —
@PiqueABoo: LMAOOOOOOO
@MaradonnaKebab: tutorial league but the crowd size is endgame
@HighPressMess: 75k for a league that still thinks defending is optional
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: miami got OHKO’d on opening day that’s nasty
@VibesOverxG: mls is still picking between bulbasaur and charmander and europe is doing raids
@KaneYouDigIt: miami queued ranked without healing
@BenzemaDrama: celebrity buff doesn’t stack with backline debuff
@PetrCechYourself: lafc pulled up with a full party and type advantage
@False9Problems: the funniest part is the discourse will still be “but did you see the attendance”
@ShithouseCertified: attendance is a skin. doesn’t affect gameplay
@AyewReady: y’all are gonna learn one day that soccer is a sport and not a videogame
@Man_Myth_pOe: sport is a videogame with worse customer support
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: no?
@AyewReady: stop doing that
@iamRealPirate: messi is literally a mythical in the wrong region. i’m sorry. it’s true.
@RealPirate: a sea god trapped in a swimming pool
@Net6AndChill: that’s actually perfect and i hate it
@VARtillery: mls refs still call fouls like they’re guessing
@ParkTheBusBoyz: mls refs are on dial-up
@Real_KrypT4Life: conspiracy: lafc was boosted by matchmaking
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: lafc just better. miami defense is a traffic cone with a podcast
@PuyolPantsDownFC: cone with a podcast is diabolical
@ShadowbannedAgain: tally update
@ShadowbannedAgain: “MLS IS A TUTORIAL”
@ShadowbannedAgain:
@VibesOverxG
@KaneYouDigIt
@iamRealPirate
@boom_ShakaLaka420: 🐣⚽️📈🧱💥
@CantonaBelieveIt: the crowd sounded like a world cup and the game played like preseason
@MoSalahMoreGoals: mls has maxed out “vibes” and left “structure” at 4
@AyewReady: ok that one is true
@BellingHimOut: see? you’re learning the language
@AyewReady: don’t get excited
@Net6AndChill: speaking of side quests. why is wrexham still leveling up
@ShadowbannedAgain: lol
@ShadowbannedAgain: —
@ShadowbannedAgain: —
@PiqueABoo: 5-3 is not a scoreline it’s a crime scene
@ShithouseCertified: wrexham started as dlc and now it’s the main quest
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: wrexham in the championship is still the funniest timeline.
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: it’s not funny for portsmouth
@MaradonnaKebab: 2-1 “held on” = literally every wrexham match is a survival mode run
@False9Problems: they play like the stamina bar is a suggestion
@PetrCechYourself: and yet they keep getting rare candy from somewhere
@Real_KrypT4Life: hollywood booster pack
@AyewReady: it’s called money
@Man_Myth_pOe: it’s called belief, father
@AyewReady: don’t call me father
@iamRealPirate: chelsea fa cup tie on deck too right? that’s like… boss fight
@VibesOverxG: wrexham hosting chelsea is a scripted event
@RealPirate: a galleon docking in a fishing village
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: chelsea better not get embarrassed or we’re never hearing the end of it
@MessiSituation: you will hear the end of it even if chelsea win 6-0. that’s how dlc communities work.
@Haven’tGotAKalou: wrexham fans treat xG like it’s optional side dialogue
@Blink1Eto’o: “optional side dialogue” is insane and correct
@Net6AndChill: i’m already hearing the end of it
@AyewReady: can we talk about a national team like adults
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: LOL
@AyewReady: i hate this room
@ShadowbannedAgain: no you don’t
@ShadowbannedAgain: —
@BellingHimOut: “avoids serious injury” is the best kind of headline.
@VibesOverxG: avoided serious injury = dodged a crit
@PetrCechYourself: ankle scare is the most common random encounter in europe
@Man_Myth_pOe: them german tackles be like dock wardens swingin’ a ledger at yer shin, matey
@AyewReady: ok i’ll allow one (1) analogy
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: USMNT always promises final evolution and then shows up with tackle bugs and bad menus
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: no?
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: STOP
@iamRealPirate: it’s always “this is the golden generation” and then we can’t break down a low block
@Net6AndChill: low block is literally a rock type. why do we keep bringing water moves
@AyewReady: because the coach doesn’t read the meta
@Real_KrypT4Life: conspiracy: we’re saving the real tactics for the world cup
@ShithouseCertified: that’s like saving your master ball for a pidgey and still missing
@PuyolPantsDownFC: USMNT discourse is just people arguing about IVs without ever seeing the pokemon
@BenzemaDrama: christian pulisic is always max friendship and it still doesn’t evolve the team
@RealPirate: the flag be heavy and the boots be heavier
@MoSalahMoreGoals: 2026 is the elite four and half the roster still hasn’t learned “first touch”
@boom_ShakaLaka420: 🇺🇸🧃🦵🩹📉
@ShadowbannedAgain: AWARDS
Most Likely To Faint
@BoltsySaidItWithChest
Didn’t Save Before Entering The Cave
@HighPressMess
Gym Aura Merchant
@RealPirate
Tutorial League Spokesperson
@iamRealPirate
Conspiracy Badge
@Real_KrypT4Life
@CantonaBelieveIt: gym aura merchant is crazy work
@RealPirate: titles be burdens, not gifts
@Man_Myth_pOe: he accepts the burden
@Magnifico_xXQueenXx: obviously
@ZlatanYourMom: I’M BACK
@ShadowbannedAgain: welcome back. behave.
@ZlatanYourMom: no promises
@ShadowbannedAgain: i have a button
@Net6AndChill: can we circle back to inter one last time i’m still laughing
@PetrCechYourself: they’re already tweeting “focus on the league” in italian
@HighPressMess: focus on the league = rage quit to story mode
@AyewReady: sometimes you SHOULD focus on the league
@BoltsySaidItWithChest: u would say that
@AyewReady: because it’s true
@BellingHimOut: no?
@AyewReady: OH MY GOD
@ShithouseCertified: room’s getting hit with confusion status again
@VARtillery: and nobody has full heal
@ShadowbannedAgain: [LOCKED]
@boom_ShakaLaka420: 🚰⏳😵💫
@Real_KrypT4Life: admin abusing power
@ShadowbannedAgain: correct
@ShadowbannedAgain: [UNLOCKED]
@Haven’tGotAKalou: inter still fainted though
@MaradonnaKebab: inter will be fainted for weeks
@Net6AndChill: good.
@AyewReady: i hate that i’m gonna be back tomorrow
@ShadowbannedAgain: yeah.
KEY
- Bakki3 — @ShadowbannedAgain
- Boltsy — @BoltsySaidItWithChest
- pOe — @Man_Myth_pOe
- Seraleia — @Magnifico_xXQueenXx
- Sir Finesse — @RealPirate
- Boom — @boom_ShakaLaka420
- The Kid — @iamRealPirate
- Crypt Keeper Jerry — @Real_KrypT4Life
