Week Whatever: Evidence That This Sport Hates Consistency
College football didn’t surprise me this weekend. It just handed me another stack of evidence that chaos pays rent in this sport. Teams with history forgot how to play football. Teams with zero history suddenly want blood. And somewhere, a coach is explaining how a 50-point loss is actually progress. Welcome to Saturday — please keep your hands inside the vehicle and don’t feed the mascots.
Indiana beat UCLA 56-6, and the energy was “We’re tired of pretending we can’t cook.” It wasn’t football — it was a public safety incident. If this is what the Hoosiers are now, the Big Ten may need to revisit its insurance coverage. Someone on that sideline definitely yelled “attack attack attack,” and nobody told them to chill. Respect.
Texas A&M beat LSU 49-25, and every Aggie touchdown looked like a jailbreak performed at light speed. They’re not just fast — Ricky Bobby fast. Blink and you’re down 14. LSU fans haven’t blinked since. A&M plays like they’re running from the consequences of previous seasons. It’s beautiful. It’s terrifying. It might break physics.
Ole Miss beat Oklahoma 34-26, but what matters is the way they did it — feisty, stubborn, refusing to die. Ole Miss is that villain you swear is finished, and then boom — sequel. They’ve got “nobody wants to face us in November” energy. The Chaos Index sees them lurking with a smile.
Alabama beat South Carolina 29-22 by doing the most Alabama thing possible: playing average for long stretches and then turning into Thanos for five minutes. Boom, game. It’s like they remember they’re Alabama once per quarter and it’s always perfectly timed.
Oregon beat Wisconsin 21-7, but it wasn’t the kind of win that makes you feel warm and fuzzy. It felt like they ordered dominance on DoorDash and the driver showed up with “pretty good.” There’s more under the hood — but someone has to turn that key soon.
Memphis beat USF 34-31, and that one hurt. Not in the “season’s over” way — in the “we tripped on a Lego in the dark” way. This Bulls team is good enough to go somewhere. They just have to stop donating games to strangers. The dream is still alive, but it has shin splints.
Vanderbilt beat Missouri 17-10, and if that sentence shocked you, congrats — you’re normal. Diego Pava is playing like he’s personally offended by mediocrity. Should we be drug testing Vanderbilt? I’m not accusing anyone, but I am raising an eyebrow. The smart teams are too polite. The dangerous ones show up uninvited.
Michigan beat Michigan State 31-20, and the vibes were so confusing that both fanbases probably left the stadium questioning reality. Is Michigan trending better? Worse? Was this actually a win? The results say yes. The eye test says “I need to lie down.”
Now, the Lightning Round — where mercy goes to die:
UCLA — Deleted. LSU — Backslide. Oklahoma — Almost. Wisconsin — Stuck. South Carolina — Close-ish. Mizzou — Cardboard. Michigan State — Trying. USF — Capable. Vanderbilt — Witchcraft.
Bottom line: Saturday didn’t change the sport — it just reminded us what this sport really is. Chaos is undefeated.
Indiana is violent. Texas A&M is hypersonic. Ole Miss is lurking. Alabama is calculating. Oregon is awkward. USF is alive. Vandy is in a fever dream.
We’ll be back next Sunday, assuming this sport doesn’t take us out first.
