HALFBAK3D 2026 MOCK DRAFT 1.0

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

HALFBAK3D 2026 MOCK DRAFT 1.0 (TOP 10)

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Welcome to Halfbak3d’s Mock Draft 1.0 — our first pass at the top 10 picks based on team needs, positional value, and the early shape of the class. The 2026 NFL Draft picture is still early, but some needs already feel unavoidable: teams hunting quarterbacks, others searching for pass rush, and plenty trying to rebuild the trenches. So we did what you’re supposed to do — matched team situations with prospects, fit, and upside — and built a Top 10.

Then we compared it to… literally anyone else’s.

And that’s when we realized our scouting process may have been compromised. Not “we missed a sleeper” compromised. More like “we watched an entirely different event and treated it as gospel” compromised.

Yeah. We definitely scouted the wrong game. We regret nothing.

So without further ado… let’s project the most irresponsible first round imaginable.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

1. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS

J’Dinkalage Morgoone, QB, South Florida

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a quarterback because “winging it” is not an offensive system.

Halfbak3d Expert: J’Dinkalage Morgoone is what happens when a normal name gets hit by a slot machine three times in a row. At South Florida, he was voted “Most Likely To Sign Autographs On Accident” because his signature is just more name. He introduces himself and somehow your Wi-Fi reconnects. If you chant his full name in the mirror, a highlight tape appears behind you—and it’s all just him pointing at the camera like you know what you did.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

2. NEW YORK JETS

Ozamataz Buckshank, DE, Stanford

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a DE because the only pressure they generate right now is on their fans’ blood pressure.

Halfbak3d Expert: Ozamataz Buckshank sounds like a name you hear right before a wizard takes your license away. At Stanford, he allegedly wrote his thesis on “Contain,” but only to prove it’s a myth invented by offensive coordinators to feel safe at night. His hobbies include folding tackles into neat little rectangles and staring directly into the camera like he knows your PIN. If you say “Buckshank” three times, a tight end appears in your living room and immediately blocks himself out of fear.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

3. ARIZONA CARDINALS

T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V, OG, Albion College

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need an OG because their interior line gets folded so often it should come with laundry instructions.

Halfbak3d Expert: T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V is a guard. Playing guard is already a stupid job: you’re a giant human being expected to do precise work in a space that’s basically a phone booth. T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V makes it worse because even his name can’t fit where it’s supposed to—on the jersey. The problem is the quarterback’s cadence sounds like he’s calling “T.J. A.J. R.J.,” so T.J. keeps twitching and jumping like “my bad, thought you meant me,” and everybody has to reset while he acts personally betrayed by the snap count. But once the ball’s finally snapped and “Backslashinfourth V” hits, it stops being a pronunciation issue and becomes a contact sport again. Defensive tackles don’t jump the snap against him—they freeze, because they think the offense just checked into a new language. By the time the linebacker figures out whether “Backslashinfourth” is a man or a scheme, he’s already folded—laundry instructions included.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

4. TENNESSEE TITANS

Nyquillus Dillwad, WR, LSU

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a WR because their WR1 right now is basically some guy named Calvin.

Halfbak3d Expert: Nyquillus Dillwad sounds like a distinguished cough syrup that comes in a glass bottle and costs $47 because it’s “small batch.” The first half is what your grandma takes; the second half is what your grandma calls you for spilling it. Cornerbacks line up across from Nyquillus Dillwad feeling like they’re about to lose a duel, not a rep. The worst part is you can’t even trash talk it—his name already sounds like it has a lawyer. By the time the DB realizes it’s just a receiver and not a Victorian disease, he’s already open and the stadium is politely coughing.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

5. NEW YORK GIANTS

Bisquiteen Trisket, OT, Michigan

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need an OT because their current protection plan is basically “good luck, don’t die.”

Halfbak3d Expert: Bisquiteen Trisket sounds like a breakfast item that costs $19 because it’s “artisanal,” and somehow it’s also your left tackle. Michigan didn’t recruit him so much as plate him—he showed up already wide, already angry, already dusted in flour. Defensive ends try to speed-rush and just bounce off like they hit a bakery display case. By the fourth quarter, the pass rusher isn’t tired—he’s just hungry and emotionally confused, because he keeps losing to something named Bisquiteen.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

6. CLEVELAND BROWNS

Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon, WR, Cal U (PA)

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a lot of help, so they take a WR here because the roster says “rebuild,” but “Shedeur to Xmus” is a fun sentence—and Cleveland drafts in fun sentences.

Halfbak3d Expert: Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon sounds like a luxury candle brand that also somehow runs a 4.3. The whole name is smooth—like it’s already halfway through a route before you finish reading it. He’s basically Jaxon Smith-Njigba in name-only terms: same “Jaxon” polish, same “this sounds like a route tree,” completely different alphabet budget. After he cooks a corner, the announcer has to say “Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon” out loud, and you can hear the booth lean back like they just took a sip of something expensive.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

7. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS

D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, LB, Coastal Carolina

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a LB because the R̷̷̷e̷̷̷d̷̷̷s̷̷̷k̷̷̷i̷̷̷n̷̷̷s̷̷̷ Commanders keep renaming everything except the part where the middle of the defense is empty.

Halfbak3d Expert: D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde sounds like a man who has a hallway portrait in Washington, D.C. and nobody remembers what he did, only that it was “important.” The “T.” in the middle makes it feel like he comes with a title you’re required to say out loud, like calling him by just “D’Isiah” is disrespectful to the Constitution. He plays linebacker like he’s restoring order—no speeches, no drama, just showing up in the exact place you were hoping wouldn’t be occupied. Offenses don’t “attack the middle” when he’s there; they avoid it the way you avoid eye contact with someone in uniform who looks like they’ve seen enough. By the end of the drive, it feels like Washington finally found a middle linebacker and a personality at the same time, which is honestly a bigger rebrand than the name.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

8. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Creme De La Creme, WR, Vanderbilt

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a WR because the Saints are stuck on “ants go marching,” and they’re trying to get back to Gang Starr’s “Royalty” energy — so they draft Creme De La Creme.

Halfbak3d Expert: Creme De La Creme sounds like a receiver who enters the huddle like he’s arriving at his own event. In New Orleans, the name doesn’t even feel fake — it feels like he was legally named by a jazz band and a bottle of cologne. Corners line up across from him and immediately feel underdressed, like they should’ve brought a blazer and a better childhood. After the catch, the announcer says “Creme De La Creme” with their whole chest, like they’ve been waiting all season to finally sound expensive again.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

9. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

L’Carpetron Dookmarriot, RB, Florida Atlantic

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a RB because their red zone plan can’t be “Travis, please”… [insert a Swiftie singalong chorus here].

Halfbak3d Expert: L’Carpetron Dookmarriot sounds like the name on the key card you “accidentally” keep after checkout because it feels expensive. Kansas City drafts him and immediately he looks like he belongs in the end zone gift shop next to a $62 hoodie and a commemorative spoon. Every touchdown graphic is going to feel like a hotel commercial—“welcome to the Dookmarriot, enjoy your stay.” Defenders don’t want to tackle him because it feels like getting kicked out of a luxury lobby for being “too casual.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

10. CINCINNATI BUNGLES

Huka’lakanaka Hakanakaheekalucka’hukahakafaka, LB, Hawai‘i

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They need a LB because the Cincinnati Bungles saw “Hakuna Matata” on the card, said “no worries,” and that’s the most conviction they’ve shown all year.

Halfbak3d Expert: Huka’lakanaka Hakanakaheekalucka’hukahakafaka is what happens when the draft card is just vibes and a Disney song stuck in your head. The Bengals didn’t scout him—they just kept repeating “Hakuna Matata” until it felt like a strategy. His name is so long it arrives in the backfield before he does. Offenses hear it and start smiling like “aw cute,” right before they get tackled by a man whose pronunciation requires a hydration break. No worries for the rest of your days… unless your days involve running between the tackles.