SIZES is a weekly NBA comedy blog that reads like you just turned on a four-channel hoops broadcast and started flipping. Every week the same league hits you through four different “shows” back-to-back—loud, glossy, overconfident. It’s basketball with full broadcast conviction: small hoops, tiny plays, big feelings, huge ego.
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
▒░▓▒░ krkrkr-CLIK ░▓▒░▒
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk—tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
════════════════════════════════
TV 10 ▐ OUTSIDE BUCKETS
════════════════════════════════
Tonight’s broadcast is being sponsored by the most powerful substance in professional basketball: Actually, hold on.
Because that’s the league right now. Everybody’s back from the break, everybody’s pretending they’ve matured, and the NBA immediately starts doing what it always does: turning simple moments into paperwork, turning confidence into a medical update, and turning the rim into a courtroom exhibit.
Two forces are running the week.
Force One: San Antonio is treating the fourth quarter like it’s reserved seating.
They went down 15, then calmly climbed out like they’ve done this before in another life. Ten straight wins. The kind of streak that doesn’t feel exciting — it feels administrative. Like the Spurs are signing forms in the last six minutes and the opponent is just watching them do it.
And the funniest part is the vibe: no miracle. No how did they do it. Just a quiet little reality where they decide the game isn’t over because they said so.
Force Two: The ending is not yours anymore.
Cleveland hit the emotional jackpot at the buzzer — the kind of layup that makes a whole arena inhale at once — and then the league did what it does best: it waited until your heart stood up, then it told your heart to sit back down. Basket waved off. Review wins. The rim becomes an unreliable narrator.
And if you think that’s just one tough call, look around. This is a full ecosystem now.
James Harden shows up in Cleveland, everybody starts acting like they can smell a parade route, and then the week immediately taps the glass and goes: fractured right thumb. Questionable. Because the league hates when anybody gets too comfortable with their own story.
Rudy Gobert hits the flagrant limit and gets suspended one game, because the NBA loves moral discipline as long as it can be counted on a chart.
Scotty Pippen Jr. and Myron Gardner get fined 35,000 each for a scuffle, because nothing says we’re serious professionals like handing out a receipt after two grown men remember they have bodies.
Here’s the tell:
A player’s hand goes through the rim, no goaltending gets called, and the explanation that comes back is basically the league shrugging in formal language. That’s the tell.
Because the rulebook didn’t win the moment — the moment won the rulebook. And the response wasn’t clarity. It was that special NBA fog where you can tell the league spoke, but you can’t tell what it meant.
The post-break NBA is officially in confidence management mode.
Not basketball management. Confidence management.
If you feel too good, the review light comes on.
If you celebrate too early, the clock becomes a weapon.
If you build momentum, somebody’s thumb turns into a headline.
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
▓░▒░▓▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒░▓▒░
░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓░ vvvt bip tchk—tchk ░▒▓░
░▒▓░ boom tchk—tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
▓░▒░▓▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒░▓▒░
████████████████████████████████
░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk—tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓░ boom BRRR click-click ░▒▓░
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
════════════════════════════════
TV 55 ▐ FUNDAMENTAL HARDWOOD HABITAT
════════════════════════════════
Welcome to Fundamental Hardwood Habitat.
Today, we’re observing Jarrett Allen as he attempts the smallest fundamental in the building.
Release timing.
In the final seconds, the basket stops being a basket.
It becomes a deadline.
Gather.
Lift.
Release.
A layup is supposed to be the most innocent act in basketball.
It is not supposed to require legal counsel.
LATE!!!!!
Freeze it.
Circle the clock. That’s the predator.
Roll it.
Here’s what makes this habitat cruel: the rim will accept you even when the rules won’t.
A beautiful finish at full speed. Clean, calm, committed.
And a perfect reminder of the greatest illusion in basketball: thinking a made basket is a final answer.
And that’s the habitat. The hardwood returns to stillness.
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
▓░▒░▓▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒░▓▒░
░▒▓░ ssshhh vvvt click ░▒▓░
░▒▓░ boom tchk—tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
▓░▒░▓▒░░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒░▓▒░
████████████████████████████████
░▒▓░ khhhh tchk—tchk click-click ░▒▓░
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
════════════════════════════════
TV 03 ▐ BUCKET’S STREET
════════════════════════════════
pOe:
Hi, welcome to Bucket’s Street. Today on Bucket’s Street we hang out with our friends and learn about the NBA.
Alright, our first friend is Boltsy, and it’s time for the Letter of the Week.
Boltsy:
Today’s letter is R.
Say it. R.
R is for REMOTE.
That was the letter R.
pOe:
Alright, that was the letter, Boltsy… do we have a word to go with that letter, or are we just freestyling education today.
Boltsy:
The word of the week is REMOTE.
Say it. REMOTE.
REMOTE is what decides if your happiness counts.
REMOTE is when the game says yes and then the league says hold on like your joy is buffering.
REMOTE is when you celebrate and somebody in a quiet room presses the button and you become a liar in public.
REMOTE is why everybody’s tough until the red light comes on.
That was the word REMOTE.
pOe:
Perfect. That’s a real word, allegedly… now let’s learn a Number of the Week from Crypt Keeper Jerry, because nothing says children’s television like front-office math.
Crypt Keeper Jerry:
The number of the week is 35,000.
That is the price of remembering you have hands.
That is the league’s way of saying: Keep your emotions inside the jersey, sir.
That was the number 35,000.
pOe:
Alright, thank you Crypt Keeper Jerry, please return to your haunted filing cabinet… Seraleia is here with the Emotion of the Week, and I need everybody to act normal for twelve seconds.
Seraleia:
The emotion of the week is ERASED.
ERASED is when you did it and the world watched you do it… and then the world rewinds you like a mistake.
ERASED is when your body celebrates but the paperwork disagrees.
That was the emotion ERASED.
pOe:
That was calm and terrifying, thank you… alright, Seraleia is staying right here because we’re going from feelings to geometry, and it’s time for the Shape of the Week.
Seraleia:
The shape of the week is a RECTANGLE.
A RECTANGLE is a replay screen.
A RECTANGLE is where a moment goes to get questioned.
That was the shape RECTANGLE.
pOe:
Alright, we learned a shape, the NBA is officially a craft project… and Boom is standing here quietly like he’s about to change the weather, so it’s time for the Color of the Week.
pOe:
The color of the week is RED.
[Boom’s chest shifts to RED. Boom holds the color.]
Sound of the Week.
pOe:
This week’s sound of the week is—
[BOOM CANNON BLAST.]
That’s the league clearing its throat in RED.
Friend of the Week.
Sir Finesse:
The friend of the week is THE CLOCK.
Because the clock is the only thing in the arena that never gets nervous.
It never argues. It never explains. It just looks at you and tells you what you are.
THE CLOCK is the friend of the week.
pOe:
Alright, that’s our friend, we’re standing on it… now The Kid is here with the Lesson of the Week, and if you’re expecting something wholesome, I want you to remember what street you’re on.
The Kid:
The lesson of the week is…
If R is for REMOTE, then R is also for REMEMBER THIS.
If you don’t own the REMOTE, you don’t own the moment.
You can pay 35,000 to act tough, you can turn RED, you can fire the cannon, you can scream at the RECTANGLE…
But THE CLOCK is still your friend, and ERASED is still your report card.
pOe:
And that was the end of Bucket’s Street, friends. We learned absolutely everything and nothing at the same time.
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
░▒▓░ ssshhh tchk—tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓░ vvvt bip click-click ░▒▓░
████████████████████████████████
░▒▓░ boom BRRR tchk—tchk click ░▒▓░
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
════════════════════════════════
TV 36 ▐ H3TV: M1xT4P3
════════════════════════════════
Yeah, uh-huh
Look
Red light blink, I don’t celebrate (nope)
Hit the shot, they hesitate (wait)
Remote in the back, they regulate (click)
You was happy for a second, they confiscate (gone)
Spurs in the fourth like it’s reserved (okay)
Down big, still calm, that’s nerve (mm)
They sign the win like paperwork (stamp)
Other team lookin’ sick, like this can’t work (nah)
Hand through the rim, they say it’s clean (what?)
Rules get foggy on the big screen (huh)
Rectangle judge, make your joy freeze (brr)
You yell at air, it don’t hear pleas (no)
Thirty-five bands for a lil’ scuffle (sheesh)
That’s the price tag on bein’ muscle (okay)
Clock don’t care, it stay blunt (yup)
Predator tickin’ down in the front (tick)
LATE!!!!! and it hurt, that’s facts (yeah)
Rim said yes, league said relax (hold on)
If you don’t own the remote, you don’t own the scene (never)
Red light blink—get off that screen (let’s go)
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
▒░▓▒░ krkrkr-CLIK ░▓▒░▒
░▒▓▒░▓░▒▓▒░░▒▓░▒░▓▒░▒▓░░▒▓▒░▓░▒░
